We all know the heart is amazing, but it's not until truly powerful moments in our life that we begin to give it the respect it deserves.
Some of us lead with our hearts...making decisions based on emotion as opposed to logic. By nature, I am an analytical individual. It's a core component of what contributed to my ability to be a therapist, but when it comes to my life and the decisions I make, I am not so much of a thinker as I am a feeler.
Passionate. Effervescent. A giver. These are words that have been used to describe me and I would agree that they are accurate. Although I am a feeler, it doesn't mean that I don't overly process the events in my life and then use a logical filter as a means of sorting, but when it comes to the final stage where a direction is required, I tend to choose the more emotional side.
Recent happenings in my life have prompted me to contemplate whether my emotional tendencies are the best for me. I don't want to give up a vital component of who I am, but maybe I need to sharpen my logical skills and apply them to my life a little more than I have historically.
I had started the process of healing. My wounds, to a great degree, had been identified and I had taken measures to stitch together my heart and apply bandages. Equipped with the knowledge that I was being forced to make some changes and many of them would be difficult, I was attempting to grow and stretch beyond my comfort zone because I was looking at life, MY life, through the lenses of logic and reason and trying to make decisions accordingly. I re-committed myself to what was important and positive energy began to flow abundantly in my direction. I assured myself that I was strong and capable of maintaining my boundaries.
The heart has a difficult time of remaining silent, especially when a person is receptive to what it has to say. Another person's truth can change us or prompt us to falter. Personal beliefs may be challenged and we are unexpectedly faced with new possibilities. Some of those possibilities could actually be dreams that had been dismissed due to the acquisition of information or undeniable truths. Logic dictated one path, but emotion calls us back.
Despite the fact that I have used strong thread, someone has pulled on my stitches, and it just so happens that this person is woven into the fabric that comprises my heart.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
A New Life
There is a life growing within me. Surreal, yet becoming more believable every day. I have seen arms moving, little legs kicking, and a weird little face. There was a day I worried that my heart may be forever broken, but the after hearing the heartbeat of my unborn baby, I learned a lesson: I may have lost the friendship and affection of one man, but I now have the blessing of raising a child who will always know the true meaning of love and being loved. And because of the gift I will give, he will grow to be a wonderful man.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Love Eternal
The perfect love story.
It began with the electric shock that represented the beginning of something new, but in reality it felt as though what we discovered had existed forever and that we were picking up where we had left off years before...maybe from another life. Rumi is quoted with, "Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along." My heart agrees. We experienced the intricate dance of getting to know someone, the intoxicating and dizzying feelings which accompany this process, and moments which can't be captured by or in words because they lived independently from us. We were merely allowed to be there. A unique blend of peacefulness and mystifying lightening bolts. Everything we exchanged and shared we did so without hesitation or selfishness: dreams, fears, words, friendship, truth, love, touch, hope,...and a bit of sadness. We co-created a world where only the two of us existed in unprecedented bliss. No one will ever know what was said between us or how our souls danced in those days. We experienced a lifetime of love in a little over a year, but what we have will live inside of us for the remainder of our days. Unlike other stories that may have an ending filled with loss, ours will have an infinite life that is untarnished and as 'perfect' as love can be.
None of us can predict where our paths will take us, but I do believe the value is in the journey. Our story is a happy one. If I weep, it's only because I remember fondly what we once had and our dreams of what could have been.
It began with the electric shock that represented the beginning of something new, but in reality it felt as though what we discovered had existed forever and that we were picking up where we had left off years before...maybe from another life. Rumi is quoted with, "Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along." My heart agrees. We experienced the intricate dance of getting to know someone, the intoxicating and dizzying feelings which accompany this process, and moments which can't be captured by or in words because they lived independently from us. We were merely allowed to be there. A unique blend of peacefulness and mystifying lightening bolts. Everything we exchanged and shared we did so without hesitation or selfishness: dreams, fears, words, friendship, truth, love, touch, hope,...and a bit of sadness. We co-created a world where only the two of us existed in unprecedented bliss. No one will ever know what was said between us or how our souls danced in those days. We experienced a lifetime of love in a little over a year, but what we have will live inside of us for the remainder of our days. Unlike other stories that may have an ending filled with loss, ours will have an infinite life that is untarnished and as 'perfect' as love can be.
None of us can predict where our paths will take us, but I do believe the value is in the journey. Our story is a happy one. If I weep, it's only because I remember fondly what we once had and our dreams of what could have been.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Party of One
September 5, 2006--the day of the magical, life-giving spark. A whirlwind of activity has occurred in my life since that day. I found a friend, discovered I could love more than one person, became pregnant, received a confession of love, tested yet another friendship, but on October 5th, 2007, a crash landing occurred, and now I'm thinking I may have lost my beloved spark-giving friend and soul-connection. Outcome is yet to be determined.
Why is it that when we are left alone with our thoughts, it's easiest to imagine the worst? A person says, "I need time to think," and automatically my mind begins to create hypothetical scenes of how it's going to play out and in each of those scenes I am the one standing alone at the end.
Mind you, I know I won't be completely alone...in addition to a beautiful baby, I will have everyone with the exception, quite possibly, of the one person who has come to mean so much. We've gone almost a week without conversation and I've come to realize just how much dialogue with him meant to me. I knew talking to him made me feel cared for, grounded, connected (which translates to 'loved'), and interesting, but I had no idea how much communication with him contributed to my overall well-being. To demonstrate support of his need to process, I told him that I would not initiate any interaction and that I would wait for him to contact me. What a well meaning idiot I am! Little did I know that I would find myself in the freezer for who knows how long. We swore to one another that severing ties was not an option (he needs me to be me so he can truly be himself--that's what he said), but perhaps for his own self-preservation he decided that it was best to make a clean break. Nice of him to let me know...so glad we were equals in this relationship. For those who know me, sarcasm is how I sometimes deal with my feelings...I really do think we are equals, but right now I think he's thinking more about himself and less about me.
Whomever it was that said, "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all," must have had some serious issues of his/her own. I'm not sure I can currently accept that as a trueism of life.
Why is it that when we are left alone with our thoughts, it's easiest to imagine the worst? A person says, "I need time to think," and automatically my mind begins to create hypothetical scenes of how it's going to play out and in each of those scenes I am the one standing alone at the end.
Mind you, I know I won't be completely alone...in addition to a beautiful baby, I will have everyone with the exception, quite possibly, of the one person who has come to mean so much. We've gone almost a week without conversation and I've come to realize just how much dialogue with him meant to me. I knew talking to him made me feel cared for, grounded, connected (which translates to 'loved'), and interesting, but I had no idea how much communication with him contributed to my overall well-being. To demonstrate support of his need to process, I told him that I would not initiate any interaction and that I would wait for him to contact me. What a well meaning idiot I am! Little did I know that I would find myself in the freezer for who knows how long. We swore to one another that severing ties was not an option (he needs me to be me so he can truly be himself--that's what he said), but perhaps for his own self-preservation he decided that it was best to make a clean break. Nice of him to let me know...so glad we were equals in this relationship. For those who know me, sarcasm is how I sometimes deal with my feelings...I really do think we are equals, but right now I think he's thinking more about himself and less about me.
Whomever it was that said, "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all," must have had some serious issues of his/her own. I'm not sure I can currently accept that as a trueism of life.
Shelf life
My life went from black and white to amazing technicolor with one touch. For a little over a year, I found myself basking in the glow of these rich colors unlike any I've ever known, but recently I woke to find that my beautiful spectrum of color had changed. Colors once so brilliant are now muted and I'm not certain of why or how it happened. The clarity my life once contained, with the certainty and promise of this relationship. is now blurred. I'm asked for patience, understanding, and time. All of this I can do, but in the meantime, I am living in a realm of ambiguity. I'm grieving for something which may or may not be lost...now or maybe forever. I am something that has been cut away and placed on a shelf for further contemplation, scrutiny, or perhaps for storage. How long can something sit, untouched and negected, before it is forgotten?
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Perfection
Few of us experience it, but it does exist.
Sunshine that warms the body. Conversation which only leaves you wanting more. The looks exchanged between two people who can communicate without words. Spending the day laying on a blanket and daydreaming about what could be...what could have been. The lingering touch on one's skin.
Intoxicating. Perfection.
Sunshine that warms the body. Conversation which only leaves you wanting more. The looks exchanged between two people who can communicate without words. Spending the day laying on a blanket and daydreaming about what could be...what could have been. The lingering touch on one's skin.
Intoxicating. Perfection.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
The lives we lead
Who would have known, or guessed, that my life would come to the point it has? In so many ways, I have been blessed...perhaps too much. I'm beginning to understand the wisdom in the statement, "Be careful what you ask for (because you just might get it)." Life is changing quickly and I find myself trying furiously to fit the pieces together, but maybe some of those pieces were not intended to be part of the bigger picture. How can one ever know that the decisions we make, in the light of day or the calm of the night, are the 'right' ones? I know we need to rely on faith and just pray that somehow we will somehow land exactly where we're supposed to at the exact right moment in time, but as imperfect humans, we constantly intervene and second guess ourselves and the 'divine plan.' A book of answers sounds appealing, but unrealistic. I did consult a guidebook in the company of another person, and we asked it a question. The question we asked had previously left us restless and confused, so we hoped the book would offer some direction or peace of mind, but it seems we also befuddled the wisdom of the ages represented in the philosophy of the I-ching.
We grow and change constantly and our environments can either support and nuture those changes or resist it...most frequently, resistance is the primary response. Systems seek equilibrium and if who I am changes, then people within my world are forced to make a choice...accomodate to those changes (thereby prompting change within themself) or refute it and deny who I am, which then prompts futher change in me (how do I respond to their unwillingness to change?). The quandry is this: What happens when the people who are the closest to us are daunted or intimidated by the personal ambition, "I want to be the best person I can be"? Because we believe they love us, we may question why this person, or people, would want us to deny our growth from experience and stifle our personal development.
While it may sound selfish, it took me several years to begin to answer the question, "Who am I?" I'm smart enough to know this is a question that will have an ever-evolving response, but I do know some of the core components of who I am, what I want, and how I want my life to be, and now that I'm equipped with this knowledge, I don't want to retreat from my efforts in allowing myself to become this person. I would think the best thing for me to do, really maybe the only thing to do, is to surround myself with those who accept me, unconditionally, and understand that sometimes the best gift you can give is the freedom to be.
We grow and change constantly and our environments can either support and nuture those changes or resist it...most frequently, resistance is the primary response. Systems seek equilibrium and if who I am changes, then people within my world are forced to make a choice...accomodate to those changes (thereby prompting change within themself) or refute it and deny who I am, which then prompts futher change in me (how do I respond to their unwillingness to change?). The quandry is this: What happens when the people who are the closest to us are daunted or intimidated by the personal ambition, "I want to be the best person I can be"? Because we believe they love us, we may question why this person, or people, would want us to deny our growth from experience and stifle our personal development.
While it may sound selfish, it took me several years to begin to answer the question, "Who am I?" I'm smart enough to know this is a question that will have an ever-evolving response, but I do know some of the core components of who I am, what I want, and how I want my life to be, and now that I'm equipped with this knowledge, I don't want to retreat from my efforts in allowing myself to become this person. I would think the best thing for me to do, really maybe the only thing to do, is to surround myself with those who accept me, unconditionally, and understand that sometimes the best gift you can give is the freedom to be.
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