Party of One

September 5, 2006--the day of the magical, life-giving spark. A whirlwind of activity has occurred in my life since that day. I found a friend, discovered I could love more than one person, became pregnant, received a confession of love, tested yet another friendship, but on October 5th, 2007, a crash landing occurred, and now I'm thinking I may have lost my beloved spark-giving friend and soul-connection. Outcome is yet to be determined.



Why is it that when we are left alone with our thoughts, it's easiest to imagine the worst? A person says, "I need time to think," and automatically my mind begins to create hypothetical scenes of how it's going to play out and in each of those scenes I am the one standing alone at the end.

Mind you, I know I won't be completely alone...in addition to a beautiful baby, I will have everyone with the exception, quite possibly, of the one person who has come to mean so much. We've gone almost a week without conversation and I've come to realize just how much dialogue with him meant to me. I knew talking to him made me feel cared for, grounded, connected (which translates to 'loved'), and interesting, but I had no idea how much communication with him contributed to my overall well-being. To demonstrate support of his need to process, I told him that I would not initiate any interaction and that I would wait for him to contact me. What a well meaning idiot I am! Little did I know that I would find myself in the freezer for who knows how long. We swore to one another that severing ties was not an option (he needs me to be me so he can truly be himself--that's what he said), but perhaps for his own self-preservation he decided that it was best to make a clean break. Nice of him to let me know...so glad we were equals in this relationship. For those who know me, sarcasm is how I sometimes deal with my feelings...I really do think we are equals, but right now I think he's thinking more about himself and less about me.

Whomever it was that said, "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all," must have had some serious issues of his/her own. I'm not sure I can currently accept that as a trueism of life.